Tom Walsh is back with another indispensable guide to life on the road – this time, stopping off in South Yorkshire as Sunderland look forward to their next game against Doncaster Rovers
“Realign your expectations”, you said. “We have to realise we’re a League One club now”, you said. “Milton Keynes Dons have one of the most exciting midfields in the division”, you said. Well, look who’s crying now because we have lost a couple of games to the ‘just men’ that inhabit this scum bucket of a division.
Look, I don’t enjoy the bus driver aesthetic of Phil Parkinson as much as the next man but I know this meandering mystery tour is only going to ever end in the Championship. Besides, aren’t there more things we could get depressed about rather than planting our flag firmly in the “I’m going to be sad because Sunderland aren’t that good at football” hill?
There’s a vaccine on the way, ideally in Jagerbomb form, which means we’ll be back in stadiums in no time and have all the time in the world to boo until our throats are sore. Anyway, we’ve got a massive game this weekend against the best midfield in the league which is *checks notes* Doncaster Rovers!
And in that midfield is 407-year-old James Coppinger, who is so old that his Wikipedia picture was taken in 2007. As we all know, no-one has ever managed to take another picture of Coppinger as the Doncaster skipper is convinced that the flash will steal his soul.
The great shame, once again, is that no matter what the score is on Saturday a whole host of you will be miserable because crying about Phil Parkinson is the hill you’ve decided to die on.
How To Recreate The Keepmoat Experience?
The Keepmoat Stadium is among the new breed of hobikit lower league football stadiums that sprung during the late-00s. While it’s still glamorous for this division, it’s no longer the coolest cat in town anymore.
So, what you need to do is find yourself a nice Acer laptop, preferably still with a CD drive and has a sticker on it saying “HD ready”. Load it up, without the McAfee security obviously, and then watch the stream that’s not quite crystal clear. The images are a bit fuzzy but why upgrade when you’ve got Windows Vista?
Does This Place Have Any Good Brews?
Lockdown 2 is here, baby! So help out the good people at Doncaster Brewery and buy some bitters, ales and lethally strong perry as you watch the Lads rifle 10 past these absolute bunch of goddamn, Coppinger jobbers.
Did You Know?
When searching for inspiration for his Where’s Wally? cartoon, illustrator Martin Handford found himself in Doncaster. Confused and light-headed from catching the wrong train from Sheffield and unaware of the town’s existence, he glimpsed upon a rotund gentleman bearing the club’s hooped jersey and inspiration struck.
While Handford denies the interaction took place, and also vehemently refutes that he has ever visited Doncaster and for Cans & Megabus to please stop contacting him, our sources at Cans & Megabus confirm that Doncaster Rovers was actually the inspiration for Where’s Wally. Furthermore, anything Mr Handford does say is a filthy lie. [NOTE TO EDITOR: Can we double check if Martin Handford is alive and whether he can sue us?]