Cans And (Not) Megabus – Charlton Athletic (A)


Pretty shite out there, isn’t it? Can’t see your pals without being arrested, can’t go to the pub without a squaddie shoving an AK-47 in your face when you just wanted a Moretti, and, worst of all, Sunderland keep winning. How selfish of them. The one time they put a run of form together, no-one can watch them. Pathetic.

Now that Boris has made entering a pub an actual crime (I think, don’t quote me on that), I guess you’re going to have to rely on trusty Cans & Megabus to guide you through your away day experience… from the comfort of your own living room. And, if the last column is anything to go by, you’re already covered in urine caused by compelling prose-induced laughter.

Ah so who is it this week? Charlton Athletic? Oh great, those guys. The same Charlton Athletic that thought they were dead good smashing in a deflected goal in a play-off final against us, only to be bodied into oblivion by literally every team in the Championship.

They’ve now got a new owner who has the biggest divorced Dad energy League One has seen since, The World’s Most Tragic Man, Gareth Ainsworth took his Wycombe Wanderers frauds up last year.

But enough of that! Let’s recreate your trip to The Valley!

Who Are These Jobbers?

Okay, well done Charlton, you’ve managed to be taken over by someone that’s not a bonafide crook, but look at what it’s resulted in. Could there be a man more inhibiting “imagine if that was yer da” vibes than Thomas Sandgaard. While he may secure the future of the Addicks, is it worth lowering yourself to be owned by a man who clearly is going to perform with his awful band on the pitch when you reach the play-offs?

Yes, yes, I know that Sunderland’s current ownership insisted on playing Akon’s ‘Work Hard Play Hard’ prior to a 1-1 draw with Wycombe, and YES, I’m aware we’re about to be taken over by a Tolkien character with a fictitious drinks company but at least they’re not going to write a song called “Charlton Are Here” before a failed promotion push.

How To Recreate The Valley Experience?

Do Charlton still play that “Red Robin coming bob, bob, bobbing” song? Yes, I could probably research that but you didn’t come here for well thought-out, informative articles. First of all, you need to place your laptop somewhere which you think you’d instantly recognise.

Make yourself think that you’ve put it in your living room, however, once you reach your living room, you realise that you have to go much further and it’s actually in your upstairs toilet. Then pretend that the people you’re watching the game with are actually your really close friends and repeat to them, “I’ve always had a soft spot for your team after that play-off final” until you’re both violently sick.

Does This Place Have Any Good Brews?

Well since it’s now illegal to go to a pub, it’s probably wise to stock up on some refreshing brews before the Tories introduce prohibition. Given Charlton’s location, I would be remiss not to recommend a hearty can of Meantime IPA or one of their delicious London Pale Ales, brewed just a distant from The Valley. You can probably get them in Tesco now, unless they’ve all been panic bought, which they definitely will have after everyone reads this sizzling content.

Did You Know?

They may be legends of England’s glorious 1966 World Cup winning team, but Bobby and Jack Charlton famously refuse to acknowledge the existence of their namesake football club. In an infamous 1987 interview, Bobby challenged presenter Des Lynam to a “straightener” in the ITV Studios car park after Des gave an off-the-cuff remark on how the two brothers should play for the South London side.

Bobby was caught on camera shouting “there is no such club, Desmond, and any more wise cracks from you and you’ll be getting a thick ear”. Bobby hasn’t been invited to broadcast on ITV since.