It is with regret, dear reader, that I must once again point my ire in the direction of the clowns at the EFL. As Sunderland prepare to play Hull City in a season-defining game (unless, of course, we’ve lost to Blackpool in which case completely disregard that last sentence, or this whole article if you prefer), this sham of an organisation has again overlooked a key component of the footballing community.
The overworked column writer.
Yes, never did it cross the minds of the suits at St George’s Park – or wherever the hell the EFL is based – that by forcing Sunderland to play three away fixtures in seven days they’d be robbing society from such a mastery of wit purveyed in the written form. You may be reading this and thinking – “This is awful”, “Why do they keep persisting with this terrible bit?”, “I never read this when it was on Roker Report” and “He thinks he’s funny, doesn’t he?” and I can only agree.
Your anger is appreciated but it should be laid firmly at the door of the EFL and not the handsome, charming, skilled table tennis player, overtly humorous, and most stylish person in a flat cap, columnist. It is also the fault of the EFL that Cans & Megabus has managed to squeeze over 200 words out of this intro. Don’t worry, it’s okay to feel cheated.
But next whenever you see three consecutive Sunderland away fixtures, please think of your friendly columnist who simply doesn’t deserve to do this much work in such a short space of time.
Let’s go Black Cats!
How To Recreate the KCOM Stadium experience?
Shouldn’t you all be demanding that the pub garden you’re sat in on Tuesday evening brings the TV outside by now? Spending your midweek berating a barmaid that hasn’t been paid since September because your pork scratchings aren’t warm enough, or something to that effect.
Erm, KCOM Stadium. Erm, well I guess it’s a big soulless bowl normally packed with total morons who talk funny and pretend they’re tigers. Get a pal to paint their face – a la Young Kenny in Phoenix Nights – and then relentlessly tell you about something called “The Deep” and how the second half of this game has been a “riiiiiiiiiiiiite horurrrrrrrr sherrrrrrrrrrrrr”.
Does This Place Have Any Good Brews?
If you’re not in the pub by now, then, honestly, what are you doing with your life? You’ve had months deprived of pub, get out and enjoy it and stop reading some moron cosplaying as a bus to tell you about breweries in Hull.
What? Do I have to? But they’re all in the pub having a great time? Oh, alright, if I must. Anyway get yourself down to Atom Beers and throw as many of their delicious craft beers down your neck, including Cans & Megabus’ absolute favourite – the 5.4% Catalyst American Pale Ale.
Did You Know?
As part of Hull’s bid to win the City of Culture, councillors promised to rename every pub in the town after either a food or item of clothing. While the decision almost single-handedly gave the victory to Swansea Bay, it’s something the council followed through on.
So, whenever you visit the 2017 City of Culture you’ll no doubt stop by Hull Cheese for a pint and a cockfight, catch a concert at The Welly, play dominoes at The Rainbow Suspenders Inn and dance till dawn at the city’s premier nightclub, Aubergine’s.