Cans & Megabus – Your Essential Guide To Blackpool (A)

Tom Walsh is back with another helpful guide to the latest outpost on our meandering journey through League One
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Ahh, the business end of the season. The time of year where business happens and the only business you ever do is stare at a league table because you’ve completely lost your mind. It’s been so long since you’ve felt the embrace of another human that the only thing you know is doing “maths” to work out whether Hull will lose to MK Dons.

And so in the Lord’s month of April, we finally cross swords with Blackpool. This scumbucket of a division is serving the great unwashed with two classic encounters between the titans of Wearsiders and the theme park and risque compere lovers of the Fylde Coast in just a few weeks. All the while respectfully observing the passing of Prince Philip by not playing at the same time as the Big Man’s funeral.

Blackpool is, of course, the original home of the risque compere. The town is famous for its indulgence of the purest forms of British culture – karaoke at two in the afternoon, bars that proclaim to have “St Patrick’s Day Every Day of the Year!!”, bread and butter with every meal, baiting donkeys, and Alan Bradley being hit by trams.

One of Sunderland’s favourite sons – Wee Phillie – is naturally a huge hit in Blackpool, as captured in Tyne Tees’ 2001 documentary ‘Party Nights’. In this groundbreaking piece of television, we see a young Philadelphia William cracking out some of his best hits to an adoring crowd on the mean streets of the Vegas of the North.

A true professional and the finest entertainer this side of Witherwack. Drink it all in for yourself.

How To Recreate the Bloomfield Road experience?

If you haven’t mastered the art of creating those weird blobs of foam that sit on the head of your pint, you need to do some practising before this game. To really recreate the Bloomfield Road experience you need to exclusively drink warm-ish cans of Carling with this blob resting upon it.

Make sure to take a trip down to the beach and dump a load of sand in your living room and have someone scream every ten minutes or so to recreate the howls from the Pleasure Beach. And, hey, why not hire Philadelphia William himself for a little pre-match entertainment… socially distanced of course.

Does This Place Have Any Good Brews?

If you like breweries that get progressively difficult to say the more of its products you consume, then you’re going to bloody love Fuzz Duck Brewery! Yes, I know it’s based in Poulton-le-Fylde and not Blackpool, why don’t you just put a sock in it, ey?

Available in three litre, 10 litre (!) or 20 litre (!!!!!!!!) bag-in-boxes, you can treat yourself to a drop of their delicious Mucky Duck stout, a lovely Cunning Stunt amber ale or their classic light Equinox.

Spend all your money at their online shop here.

Did You Know?

Blackpool is the only place in the British Isles where donkeys have the right to vote. In the late-1960s, the Union for Working Blackpool Donkeys pressured the government for equal parity between humans and donkeys in the town.

The UWBD argued that since donkeys were such an integral part of Blackpool’s economy, its workers should have a say on elected MPs and officials. There was initial resistance from the government which led to anger in the donkey community resulting in strikes and violence. The bloodiest instance being the Battle of Pleasure Beach in 1971 when donkeys charged at police amassed near the town’s fun fair, resulting in six policemen being eaten.

Pressure on the government finally told in 1972 when all donkeys were given the right to vote in local and national elections. The first donkey – Donald Keys – was elected as Blackpool council leader  in 1984 and has ruled the town with merciless tyranny ever since.

Tom Walsh