Cans and (Not) Megabus – Oxford (A)


Tom Walsh returns for his unique takes on the away days of Sunderland AFC. First up, it’s Oxford!

You know what is a universally adored trait in modern media? Reboots! You loved the US Office, you howled with laughter at the American version of the Inbetweeners, and you bloody know how much you crave the Jeremy Clarkson version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. So, on a completely unrelated note, welcome to the new and, probably not improved, Cans & Megabus.

“But Cans & Megabus, as much as we’ve missed your witty slights on the towns and clubs that populate League One, we can’t actually go to football matches. Your illuminating copy and wry humour is very much welcome, but surely this format is redundant given we’re not allowed to leave our houses anymore?”.

Well, dear reader, I have only one response for that… “you’ve got some attitude, mister”. And besides, why travel to football matches when the football is brought to you through the medium of a televised stream that’s £150 more expensive than if you purchased it last season? Exactly. And with our helpful Cans & Satinyourhouse-gabus guide you can create that awayday feeling from the comfort of your own home.

So, who’s up first? Oh yeh, Oxford United.

Waistcoat-toting Oxford United boss Karl Robinson
Waistcoat-toting Oxford United boss Karl Robinson

Who Are These Jobbers?

They play in yellow and are supported by members of the Conservative Party that also own football clubs in the north east. Their manager, James Corden, is also known to wear a waistcoat during matches.

How to recreate the Kassam Stadium experience?

For those of you that can remember the Before Times, when people used to attend football matches in other parts of the country, Oxford United’s Kassam Stadium is located on the moon. While you may think that when you arrive at Oxford railway station you could be near the stadium in question, jokes on you pal, it’s nowhere near.

To get the full Kassam Stadium experience, purchase a number of bottles of Fosters from your local supermarket. Ensure they are perfectly chilled at room temperature, then turn on Eurosport, preferably to the World Ten Pin Bowling Championships, to full volume. Open all the windows and doors on one side of your house and place a fan at one end blowing freezing cold air onto one side of your face for 90 straight minutes.

At around 2.15pm, set off to retrieve your laptop or remote control, which you will have conveniently placed four miles away, in a spot inaccessible by public transport.

The Kassam Stadium - Oxford United's three-sided shitbox
The Kassam Stadium – Oxford United’s three-sided shitbox

Does Oxford have any good brews?

Since you’ll probably be banned from the pub by the time you read this, why not treat yourself to Oxford beer? Get yourself tanked up on some delicious pilsner from The Little Ox Brewery or how about some refined ales from Shotover Brewery. Don’t say we don’t treat you.

Did you know?

The city of Oxford is unique in the fact that, despite being in southern England, it has not recorded a single day of rainfall since 1967. Meteorologists have long been baffled by this bizarre occurrence, with a team of researchers spending eight weeks during the winter of 2011 to uncover the phenomenon. None of them have been seen since.