After the pzazz of Port Vale, brace yourself for the mystique of Milton Keynes. A city completely made up, filled with street… sorry, boulevard names that make absolutely no sense and a football team whose main star is top scab Dean Lewington. Doesn’t it feel good to have the matches back?

This is your first big opportunity to disgrace yourself on the National Rail network since February 2020. You’ll be ruining the days out of people going to London, annoying the hell out of families by talking loudly about the form of Ross Stewart or regaling bored commuters about how many matches you went to in the 1986/87 season.

Let’s be honest, a Saturday like this is something you’ve been dreaming about for months. All those days, sat on furlough, drinking cans screaming at your laptop as Callum McFadzean blazes one into orbit or Phil Parkinson’s sad face appears on screen – all of them are paying off now.

And you get to experience it all in Milton Keynes, you lucky, lucky devils.

How Do I Get There?

If you’re wanting to embark on a four-hour drive to Milton Keynes then you’re certainly braver than this big dawg. Take the A1(M) and M1 for ages until you reach junction 14 for Milton Keynes taking the H6 Childs Way (weird name) until the Milton Keynes Skydiving Centre (lol) and then V8 Marlborough Street (what’s with these names?!) heading towards the ground. Parking is available at the ground for £7.

Going to get lost? Plop MK1 1ST into your sat nav.

For those can fiends on the train, the nearest station is Bletchley which is walkable to the ground. You can get on a short local stopping service from Milton Keynes Central and have your pick of the litany of pubs en route.

What’s the Ground Like?

A big soulless bowl that’s only ever been filled for concerts and that time Will Grigg scored against Manchester United. It does, however, have padded seats so that’s something to tell the grandkids about I guess.

Sunderland fans are put in a lower corner and Wimbledon MK II give you as many tickets as you like so we’ll know how many of the hardened, football-starved Massive Lads Fans will be able to stomach it.

Yer thirsty?

If you’ve ever had the desire to drink in a Wetherspoons that looks like a car showroom then by all means take a stroll down Midsummer Boulevard (these are getting ridiculous now) and step into the cleverly named Wetherspoons. Naturally, the thinking man’s drinker takes the train to Bletchley and walks to the sleepy area of Fenny Stratford.

Here you’ll find a bunch of lovely watering holes including The Chequers on Watling Street, which serves up some delightful real ale, and The Bull and Butcher on Aylesbury Street which probably also does some nice ale or whatever you like.

What’s This Place Like?

Just really, really weird. Milton Keynes has the aesthetic of if an American was tasked with designing a British town. It’s a sea of boulevards, roundabouts and chain restaurants on desperately bleak industrial parks. Not only is it home to the country’s premier Wetherspoons that looks like a car showroom but past the hour of 7pm there doesn’t seem to be a single soul that lives there.

To cap off that haunting broken midwestern American town, it’s home to a massive concert venue in the middle of nowhere which requires a walk along the grassy bank of a dual carriageway to get back to civilisation. Imagine if your football team has relocated here, hilarious.

Tom Walsh