Tom Walsh takes us on another away trip, this time to the middle of the country, where Burton Albion reside
Well, what a bloody week this has been, ey? Big Chaz scores four in the most hilarious game ever, the Lads reach a pizza cup final and your very own Cans & Megabus creates his own Jurassic Park on Jurassic World Evolution. Could you imagine the sheer joy on those sunlit Wearside streets if we were all going to Burton Albion this weekend?
What? There’s been a takeover? Of what? Isla Muerta? Look, I know Gary II broke through the electrified fence and ate six park visitors, but honestly, what could I do? I didn’t have the funds to build an ACU Centre, as it’s all tied up on Isla Matanceros, and didn’t realise until the damage was done that you could just open the emergency shelter.
Oh, of Sunderland? When did that happen? Ah, well that’s not as exciting as Jurassic World Evolution but I’ll make it look like I know what I’m talking about.
WELCOME KYRIL LOUIS-DREYFUS TO JURASSIC PARK! PLEASE HOP ON THE MONORAIL AND STARE IN AWE AT HERD OF TRICERATOPS! MARVEL AT THE STEGO [Editor’s Note: Please stop this for the love of God].
Oh right yeah.
In conclusion, takeover – good, not being able to toast young Louis-Dreyfus’ arrival and pizza cup final – bad, Jurassic World Evolution – the best thing to ever happen.
How To Recreate the Pirelli Stadium Experience?
Surround yourself with a selection of your very favourite beers, like pick loads of them, really treat yourself. Place your laptop or TV in the middle and then in the very far distance place an advertisement for a local travelling holiday mobile store, preferably caravans. Sit, back, pour yourself a cold one and think about just how Don Amott became the ‘King of Caravans’.
Does This Place Have Any Good Brews?
Are you seriously looking me dead in the eye and asking does Burton-on-Trent have any good beers? Erm, I mean, “HELLO?! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A LITTLE BEVERAGE CALLED CARLING?! HMMM”. Honestly, it’s like I have to do absolutely everything around here.
You could shun the lure of Big Beer by stopping by Burton Town Brewery and buying a selection of wonderful drops, including a very fine looking Kolsch, which gets the Cans & Megabus seal of approval. Anyway, order gitloads here.
Did You Know?
For centuries, scholars have argued that ‘the Land of Milk and Honey’ is actually a Bible description of Israel. However, like many aspects of big JC’s book, it has been widely mistranslated. The real ‘Land of Milk and Honey’ is actually Burton-on-Trent, as quoted by the apostles upon first viewing the Coors Marston Brewery in 84 BC.