Tom Walsh returns with more wisdom on the road – this time, it’s the Fylde Coast as Sunderland look forward to their next game against Fleetwood Town!
Oh God, not this lot again. Did anyone in their wildest dreams think we’d sink low enough to have legitimate beef with Fleetwood Town? A team owned by someone who threatened to pull funding out of the club if the town voted for Jeremy Corbyn, a manager who loves fighting people while quoting Nietzche and a striker that… well, let’s not go there.
Anyway, Phil Parkinson’s Sad Bus rolls into Fleetwood but is, obviously, sans the big man as we all know he’s been sacked. It’ll be interesting to see who actually appears in the dugout on Friday evening. It could be “dream appointment” Gustavo Poyet, last seen on Wearside getting himself sacked by losing to Tim Sherwood’s Aston Villa.
Tim. Sherwood’s. Aston. Villa.
Or could it be your Dad’s mate Paul Cook, or could it even be “fuck it, just give it him” Kevin Phillips? Who knows? All we know is that Phil Parkinson has definitely been sacked, the takeover has definitely happened and Charlie Methven is definitely not making all the decisions at this car crash of a football club.
How To Recreate The Highbury Experience?
First of all, get yourself just the shittest laptop you can find, I’m talking Amstrad, Tiny or even an old Macintosh (yes I know that’s not a laptop, just bear with me here). Okay, cool, now put a brand new Apple logo on it, hey presto, you’ve now got essentially the same thing that Fleetwood’s version of Highbury is.
Now, chain eat four packs of mints, and invite both the biggest Tory you know and anyone you know that’s been in prison for twatting someone by a McDonald’s, to just hurl abuse at you for 90 minutes. And, most importantly, don’t forget that beautiful sea shanty when the Fleetwood goals come raining in.
Does This Place Have Any Good Brews?
I’m not going to lie, the last time I visited the windswept Fylde coast and enjoyed possibly the worst pint of Guinness in my life. I should’ve known there and then, as I sat in that Blackpool branch of Yates’, supping on an unusually yellow-tinted jar of the black stuff on a miserable New Year’s Day, that 2020 was going to suck some serious balls.
While Fleetwood is not flush with breweries, Fuzzy Duck Brewery in nearby Poulton-le-Fylde can have you stocked up on some serious delicious ale. Get on to their website and get yourself a cool 10 litres of Cunning Stunt and drink it all in one go.
Did You Know?
Fleetwood is, of course, known across the globe for its proud seafaring tradition but did you know that the town was the birthplace of the Kraken? While historians and marine biologists have long claimed that this enormous cephalopod is merely a mythological dreamt up by drunk Scandinavian sailors, the Kraken calls Fleetwood home.
Born in 1667, Barry Kraken began life as all legendary sea monsters do in Fleetwood, by working in the local Fisherman’s Friend factory. After graduating from Octopus Academy, based in Leyland, Barry began a life at sea and famously starred in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man’s Chest’, eating DCI Burke from Taggart.
Barry retired from active Kraken duty in late-2013 and now resides in St Ives with his partner, David Schwimmer, and his 8,000 children.