Cans & Megabus – Your indispensable guide to Portsmouth v Sunderland

Tom Walsh continues his tour of all the godforsaken outposts in this rotten league - next stop, Portsmouth!

You know that meme of David Brent looking into the camera disgusted as his blind date arrives? That’s how Cans & Megabus feels whenever ‘Portsmouth (A)’ appears on the fixture list. Why can’t one of us leave this stinking division so we don’t have to go through this pathetic charade pretending that we’re bitter rivals?

It would do us all a massive favour. Neither fanbase would have to embark on the frankly stupid distance between our two pathetic clubs and we could just get on with our lives. We wouldn’t have to care about loser players like Ronan Curtis and John Marquis and Portsmouth fans wouldn’t have to pretend they hated someone like Luke O’Nien or think that Carl Winchester is a wanker.

Here at Cans & Megabus, we’d like to petition the FA to create a ruling that Sunderland and Portsmouth shouldn’t be allowed to play each other for at least 10 years. If neither team gets promoted this season then we should be forced to play in regionalised leagues until the end of time to teach us both a lesson.

How Do I Get There?

It’s really funny how far away Portsmouth is. It’s like six hours which is absolutely hilarious so if you’re driving, buckle up as it’s a long one. Take the A1(M), M1, M40 down to Eastleigh before joining the M27 (which is closed, lol) heading to Portsmouth. Continue onto the A27 and follow the signs for Southsea/Fratton and then the stadium. There’s a car park at the ground for £10 a car park or find some street parking, yer loser.

For you sat nav shaggers it’s PO4 8RA.

It’s even funnier how long it takes to get to Portsmouth on the train. After you’ve spent thousands of hours on the train you’ll arrive at Fratton station, from there it’s about a 10-minute walk from the ground.

What’s the Ground Like?

While yer da and your really edgy and cool mates will be furiously frothing at the mouth at stanchions obstructing your view, the away end at Fratton Park is quite a dump. Gaze upon your faded seat and try to determine whether it’s pie membrane, seagull shit or human remains splashed all over it. For an extra slice of “hey, this is like watching a game in the 1970s” look to your left and see the entire population of this stupid place eyeballing you.

Yer thirsty?

Since burning our bridges at [FANZINE NAME REDACTED] Cans & Megabus has softened its world view somewhat. There was a time when this handsome, witty and great at pool travel guide would specifically recommend pubs they wouldn’t dream of even darkening the doors of if you paid them. However, time is a great healer and a year living in the land of milk and petrol that is the European Union has made us appreciate the needs of our fellow man.

So with that, we can only recommend one pub in Portsmouth in good faith. And that is Staggeringly Good Brewery which is located directly behind the away turnstiles. It’s a mecca of dinosaur-themed craft beers with the added bonus of a mock cathedral as its taproom. This is the only place in Portsmouth worth visiting in our humble opinion, so yer welcome.