In the early 2000s, British author Jasmine Birtles published a volume entitled The Little Book of Excuses, which promised ‘excuses to cover every situation, such as “I can’t come in to work today because I’m stalking my ex-boss who fired me for not showing up for work” and “I’m not quite ready to face work, but my psychiatrist has given me a jaw restraint to stop me from biting things when I’m startled.”’
I can’t say the synopsis has aged terribly well, and it is certainly hard to see it being used in 2026, but I may have to request a copy and see what is listed in the ‘losing eight Wear–Tyne derbies in 11 games’ section.
Presumably, ‘we’ve played more than 50 games already this season’, ‘it wasn’t even our biggest game this week’, and ‘we didn’t have Bruno or Tonali, man’ would all have featured.
Regrettably, the largely forgotten literary contribution has only one written review on the popular website Goodreads, which reads as follows: ‘Mostly tacky and trashy, completely unrealistic, but plenty of comical quotes here for you to smile at.’
In fairness, this is alarmingly similar to the reaction on Tyneside to their latest defeat to their perceived inferior neighbours.
You may be under the illusion that an eighth loss to Sunderland in their last nine league encounters might have instilled a degree of humility in our neighbours; however, it has merely reaffirmed the belief in their minds that they are vastly superior to us in every way.
Naturally, in a state of hungover smugness on Monday, I gorged myself on a diet of post‑match content from both sides of the divide, and some of the comments were puzzling to say the least.
On multiple breakdowns of the game, Newcastle fans boasted that they’d never heard of our players, knew nothing about our manager, and repeatedly described us as a bad team.
It is true that we have had a far‑from‑exemplary away record this season and have found goals hard to come by, but throughout both games we have not only shown more fight and determination, we have also shown more tactical flexibility, played better football, and exploited weaknesses in their team.
This didn’t stop at the fanbase, however. In his post‑match interview, Anthony Gordon said: ‘The frustrating thing is, in my opinion, they’re not a very good team compared to us. We shouldn’t lose to them.’
During a pre‑season tour last summer, Kieran Trippier spoke of how he would delight in beating us again and relish watching our relegation.
Weeks before this fixture even took place, Joelinton spoke at length about how he couldn’t wait to beat Sunderland and extract revenge on us.
I wonder how he felt being held at arm’s length by Granit Xhaka as he tried to police the celebration of our winner?
Of course, their general contempt for anything remotely connected to Wearside is nothing new. As Sunderland supporters, we are used to tedious songs about shopping facilities and airports (usually by people from County Durham mining villages), but for the players to buy into it partly explains why, despite an embarrassment of riches, they cannot lay a glove on the very club they claim to be undeniably superior to.
But what about ‘wor injuries and fixture pile‑up?’ Again, this excuse holds little weight. We went into this fixture without Robin Roefs, Dan Ballard, Bertrand Traoré and Nilson Angulo, as well as missing fringe players Romaine Mundle and Jocelin Ta Bi; while the likes of Reinildo Mandava, Enzo Le Fée and Nordi Mukiele were only fit enough to make the bench.
In the aftermath of Sunday’s game, Howe complained about a lack of revenue limiting Newcastle’s endeavours in the transfer market. However, if I were Mr Howe and wanted to encourage frugality, I perhaps wouldn’t have spent a combined £130m on a striker who is already inexplicably being deployed as a central midfielder, and another from Brentford who is so far off the pace he looks like a long‑retired ex‑pro playing in Soccer Aid.
From their point of view, it wasn’t supposed to be like this, was it? When they wrapped tea towels around their heads and descended on St James’ Park en masse to welcome in their new overlords, they did not envisage being this miserable.
Yes, they will point to winning the Carabao Cup and qualifying for the Champions League, which of course is something we are a long way from achieving.
However, this was supposed to be the beginning of an exciting new era, but a year on they are dissatisfied with their manager and the playing squad, and it appears to be dawning on them that perhaps the owners they pinned all their hopes on may not care as much after all.
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As much as the local media like to parrot the narrative from ‘His Excellency’, there is still no sign of a new training ground, or of a development of St James’ Park, and Eddie Howe’s nephew continues to oversee transfer policy. They have also installed former Sunderland boss Jack Ross as Head of Football Strategy; with this in mind, it should ring alarm bells that they did not manage to secure a 1–1 draw.
When they beat Michael Beale’s band of merry men and took their photo in front of the away end in January 2024, they thought that was a sign of things to come. This was supposed to be a ‘know your place’ moment, and aside from the occasional cup humiliation, Sunderland weren’t supposed to be on their radar again.
There was plenty of boasting about kids in County Durham growing up as Newcastle fans, etc., and once the takeover happened while Sunderland languished in League One, a compliant local media abandoned all pretence of impartiality and painted the disingenuous tale of the Newcastle United rebirth story.
They claim not to be that bothered about us, but once again, rather than enjoy a pre‑match pint, they lined the streets to shout abuse at our fans including “kill the Mackems”, throw bottles at an empty Sunderland team coach, and unveil a tifo of a pigeon wearing a hat.
The display in the Gallowgate read, ‘Welcome to the region’s capital, you’ve been away for so long.’
Indeed, lads, we have been away for so long, languished in League One, got promoted twice, while you have spent over £800m, and we have come back up and beaten you twice. Thank you for being so welcoming.
